My husband after 20 weeks on hormones

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Tomorrow will be fifteen weeks since my last post, and more importantly, 20 weeks since Ellie started her MTF hormone replacement therapy.  A lot has happened in the past 15 weeks, and in terms of Ellie’s female development, fairly dramatic changes have occurred.  For the first three months of hormone therapy, changes were subtle.  If one was not looking for them, they may have gone unnoticed, but over the last two months there have been more obvious changes.  Ellie’s skin is softer and in combination with makeup, which she has become accomplished at using, her face is viewed by all as the face of a female.  Her hair is much longer, was always full, and with a great cut (done by my own stylist and former lover, Angela – read my previous posts!), she really has become pretty.  Ellie was always slender and hormones have started to change her shape to a slightly hourglass figure.  Her breasts are small, but her boobs are definitely a girl’s boobs.  She enjoys wearing pretty (and expensive) bras and they are a necessary part of her daily attire. 

She reported to me that from her first day on hormones she felt more emotionally comfortable.  From my perspective she is FAR more emotional, and particularly easy to cry when she sees things that trigger her emotions.  Types of scenes that trigger tearful outbursts (or quiet tears) include sad news on televised news casts, happy or sad old people or kids, particularly babies, puppies, kids with puppies, etc. etc. etc.

Her genital response is not as great during intimate activity, but she actually is more “thirsty” for affection.  There is no limit to the amount of attention she will give my body during our lovemaking.

We started this phase of our lives with the expectation (more like a hope) that we would adopt dominant (me) and submissive (Ellie, formerly Ross) roles in our relationship.  In the early stages, I grew to love the power I had over Ross (It was a BIG turn on), but as Ross has changed into Ellie, the desire and frequency of being a harsh dominant has faded.  My role in our relationship is still as the superior partner, and Ellie is as assuredly the submissive, but it has become natural, normal and comfortable and I spend very little time expressing my dominant nature overtly.

I shared months ago that Ellie works in health care and is highly regarded for her professional performance.  There have also been others (at least two) who have made the male-to-female transition on the job in her work place.  Her co-workers tend to be nonjudgmental, love her work, have gone through the process of welcoming other transwomen into the work place, and the human resources department is experienced in this process.  Especially considering that Ellie has arrived at a point where it is becoming difficult for her to present as male, we have decided for her to begin living as a female full-time.  We are going on vacation until August 15, and when Ellie returns to work she will return as a female.

I don’t have a sense that anyone reads this blog.  I have only received one comment in the entire time I have been writing.  It is my sense that people want to read the “steamy stuff,” so for those whose blog taste runs more to the carnal topics, here is a little information about our love life in M-T-F transition.  Ellie has a Prince Albert piercing on her (shrinking) penis and often wears a chastity device when her clothes bottoms don’t reveal her genital outline and also much of the time when she is at home, including always when we have sex.  Her responsibility in our intimate relationship is to provide for my gratification and she is very attentive to that.  I do fuck her with a strap on regularly and have found a way to do that, that stimulates me to orgasm.  Her developing nipples are sore and puffy all the time, but while I fuck her, her pain threshold goes up and I can play with her puffy nipples simultaneously while entering her.  This clearly puts her in sub space and arouses her simultaneously.     

My husband Ross is becoming my wife, Ellie

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

It is 8 weeks to the day since my last post.  To sum up, I’ve been married for approximately 16 years and late last summer my husband and I started to talk more seriously about turning our relationship into a more female-led relationship.  I would describe myself, in the early stages, as open-minded but uncertain.  A variety of circumstances, through the holidays and into January, made me more enthusiastic about becoming the leader in our marriage, and the more we got into it, the more my husband challenged/dared me to go even further (all of this information is described fully in previous posts).

My mindset about our situation was complicated by a very intense lesbian relationship I had with my hair stylist a short time ago.

On Valentine’s Day, my hair stylist (yes, its complicated) orchestrated a commitment ceremony during which my husband pledged to be my submissive husband for a trial period through May 22.  Shortly after the ceremony, I took my husband to get a Prince Albert piercing.  Another revelation was that my husband wants to transition to being a woman and wants me to guide him in the process.

By the end of the first week of March we had identified an endocrinologist to supervise my husband’s hormone replacement therapy and we each participated in a counseling session (one for me, two for him) before he was approved for hormone therapy.  Today is the five-week anniversary of his commencement of hormone therapy.

Although my husband is in the very early stages of male-to-female transition, we have discarded his former name (Ross is the name I used in this blog) and replaced it with a feminine name (Ellie in this blog).  We each now think of “him” as a woman and hereafter I will refer to Ellie as her/she.

Not surprisingly, our relationship has undergone some very substantial changes since the commencement of Ellie’s MTF hormone therapy.  This is partly due to the hormones themselves, but also partly due to our level of acceptance of Ellie as a woman and our respective roles as dominant and submissive in this relationship. 

Although we are only 35 days into HRT, and started at a modest-to-low dose, there are some obvious effects that Ellie is experiencing.  The most obvious is that Ellie’s physical response to sexual stimulation is not as strong as before HRT.  I have not noticed any breast development, except Ellie’s nipples.  The overall dynamic of our relationship has changed as well, although that is only partly due to the effects of hormones. We have talked seriously about our future and I am fully committed to being married to Ellie for as long as I live and I think she is equally committed to being married to me.  In fact, I think she is joyfully relieved to know that I enthusiastically accept her transition, and am happy to accept the responsibility of guiding her through the male-to-female process. 

I never shared with Ellie that I had an intimate relationship with Angela.  I decided to end the intimate part of that relationship.  She is still my hairstylist and friend, and now is the person upon whom Ellie depends for all her salon services. 

I am undeniably the dominant partner in my relationship with Ellie, as she is the submissive.  We have fully acknowledged our respective roles in our relationship, but to this point it has been unnecessary for me discipline Ellie in any way.  She is completely compliant in all respects.  We both make substantial salaries in health care and I oversee the use of 100% of our combined income while providing Ellie with a considerable allowance and a single credit card for emergency use only.  We have a housekeeper and share very limited housekeeping tasks.  We share the food preparation responsibilities although Ellie’s role has been increasing.  In our intimate relationship we both fully embrace the premise that our intimate experiences are specifically for the purpose of providing me with pleasure and the Ellie’s pleasure comes from serving me.  She has repeatedly told me that is her preference. 

I don’t know the reason that Ellie likes being dominated, but she has explained to me that being “forced” to undergo this male-to-female transition allows her to feel confident that I like seeing her go through this change and that I accept it.   I tremendously enjoy Ellie’s developing feminine persona and my strongest demands of her have been to require her to conform to a variety of feminine behaviors.  Several years ago, Ellie shared with me a fantasy of being forced to wear bras and fanaticized being told by a dominant woman that (this was in his “male” days) he would be forced to wear a bra every day for the rest of his life.  When we recently began to see the first signs of breast development (slightly enlarged and protruding nipples) I took her to buy a bra but would not initially allow her to wear it.  This past weekend, after an exquisite lovemaking session, I spent some time kissing Ellie’s puffy and painful nipples and asked if she was ready to start wearing a bra.  She asked if I thought she needed one, and I told her she did not yet need a bra but she did need to get used to wearing a bra every day.  I told her how much I looked forward to her having full breasts and soon she would have to wear a bra everyday to provide support for what I hoped would be “big boobs.”  Remembering her previous fantasy, I also told her the next morning she was to put on the bra I had given her, and to wear it all day, and that would be the first day of wearing a bra every day for the rest of her life.  I was emphatic that this was an important milestone beyond which there was no return, and that she was to never, ever to go another day without wearing a bra as a part of her everyday attire. 

In our work, long, painted, and especially acrylic nails are a “no-no,” but I take Ellie every two weeks for a French pedicure, and I have her wear shoes or sandals that reveal her pretty feet.  Ellie never did have much body hair, but I require her to keep her body free of hair and she reports that she thinks since the start of hormones she does not need to be as frequent in shaving her legs.

She wears women’s clothes at all times except at work, where she wears a nursing uniform that is nearly unisex.  Her employer is “trans friendly,” and she is also highly valued for her professional expertise, so at the appropriate time (when she can no longer “pass” as male, in my opinion) she will pursue transitioning on the job.  She has two co-workers who have undergone male-to-female transition and they have told her that her transition will be well-received. 

Ellie is a gentle, loving submissive partner who I am enjoying guiding in her development as a woman.  Spending time together as women (which is now all the time) is not something that either of us yet take for granted. 

Our FLR Relationship Contract Ceremony

Monday, February 15, 2016

I am writing this the day after Valentine Day and in the past 24 hours I feel I have graduated to being a truly dominant woman who is the leader in a female-led relationship, and my husband has embraced is place being subservient to me, at least for the next three-month trial period, and I have a feeling it is going to last much longer.  On Saturday night, Ross was serving me orally, which has become a much more customary since we began exploring a female-led relationship.  While he pleasured me, I asked him if he was really committed to a relationship in which I was in control in all ways.  In that moment he couldn’t have agreed any faster.  I reminded him he has repeatedly challenged me to “take it to the next level.”  I told him if he was serious, I wanted us to go through a kind of commitment ceremony on Valentine Day.  His curiosity was piqued beyond compare.  I set the ground rules for the ceremony and he agreed that he would comply with everything I asked/required of him, during the ceremony, and make and keep any promises I required of him for our three-month FLR trial.  For the rest of the night he tried to get me to reveal more information about the commitment ceremony, but I gave him no answers.  In fact, I had only a vague idea of how the ceremony would unfold because my friend, Angela had decided to be the “producer” of a role play situation that would require Ross to demonstrate his commitment to submitting to me through a legal contract, AND leaving Ross with the belief that it was all real. 

Our commitment ceremony was scheduled to be the conclusion of a lunch Angela hosted at her house.  In addition to Angela, Ross, and myself, there were two other guests.  One was a tall, simultaneously beautiful and mature looking woman, dressed in casual business attire.  She had an expensive-looking cream colored blazer buttoned over a lacey camisole, (It was over 80 degrees here yesterday) and wore jeans with red heels.  Her hair was gray throughout and cut in an unbalanced bob.  Her red lipstick matched her shoes and expensively manicured nails.  Angela introduced her to us as the attorney who had prepared the relationship contract we would sign that afternoon.  (Although he said nothing, Ross definitely had a reaction to the announcement we would be “signing a relationship contract.”).  The “attorney” introduced the second guest as her assistant who needed to join us to notarize the contract.  She was a shorter, curly-haired woman who appeared even older than the “lawyer,” but also had a worldly presence.  She said little throughout the afternoon but took a few notes during the lunch.

The lunch was cherry/chicken salad with iced tea.  The weather was so hot, it felt like summer, but not so hot that we couldn’t enjoy having the French doors open out to Angela’s beautiful back yard.  It was an enjoyable lunch conversation led mostly by the “attorney” and Angela, who are obviously long time friends, who discussed their travels over the Christmas holidays.  Ross was absolutely silent, barely making eye contact with anyone, until the “attorney” asked him directly how he liked submitting to me.  She asked the question in a very conversational, even friendly way, but he couldn’t muster an answer and looked at me to save him.  Before either of us responded, the attorney continued, saying to Ross, “you must like submitting to her if you are going to agree to everything that is in this contract I prepared for the two of you to sign.”  She then turned the conversation in a different direction, leaving Ross to contemplate what was in the contract. 

When the lunch was finished, Angela invited all the women to join her on the back deck for a drink and asked Ross to clear the table.  When he had finished that task he came to the doorway leading to the deck, announced he was finished with his task and asked if there was anything else that needed to be done.  Angela dismissed him to sit in the dining room to wait for us, but gave me an approving look, which made me very proud of him.

After about 20 minutes, the attorney directed us to all return to the dining room and find seats around the dining table.  She had Ross and I sit on either side of her with a pile of official looking papers in front of her.  She explained in a very serious manner that while some people thought the type of contract we were enacting was frivolous, it is actually very serious and legally binding.  (I know that it isn’t, and Ross may discover it is not legally binding, but the point of this role play was to make him believe it is real.  At this point, he seems to be accepting our femdom contract is legally binding.) 

The attorney then provided each of us with a copy of the contract, but made clear to Ross that he was the one making all the agreements in exchange for my accepting him as my submissive.  She asked him if he understood what he was agreeing to and if he was ready to enact the contract.  He agreed he was and the attorney then started through the provisions of the contract requiring each of us to initial each item individually.

The contract started with an introductory paragraph defining female-led relationships.  The second paragraph was a description of my responsibilities as the female leader of our relationship, and specifically identified my responsibilities including being the benevolent supervisor of Ross’ life, with the final authority on all decisions in our married life or in Ross’ individual life, including as examples small and large, having the authority and potentially deciding when he would be allowed to urinate, or deciding if and when he would commence feminizing hormone therapy.  The third paragraph described Ross’ general standing in our relationship as the subservient party and was followed with a list of specific requirements, each of which Ross was required to initial.  Days ago I had given Angela a list of things I would like to see in the contract and I was curious to see how many of my requests would be included.  The contract requirements (in less legally technical jargon) are:   

1.      Ross will be allowed a maximum of two orgasms from February 14 to May 22, 2016.  Neither of which is guaranteed, and both to be determined by me.  One may occur on his birthday, April 2, and another on any day of my choosing.  If my decision is to not permit him an orgasm on his birthday, that will not result in a total of more than one orgasm for the duration of the trial (until May 22).

2.     Before February 22 (next Monday), Ross must receive a full-body waxing and must maintain his body hair-free until May 22.

3.     Ross agrees to relinquish control of all the money he earns from now through May 22.  Ross will carry one credit card for emergencies only, and may only use it with my permission secured through text or voice message.  By mutual agreement I will remove all our income (both his and mine) from a jointly controlled account to which we each have access, and place it in an account over which I have sole control.

4.     Ross will acknowledge, through the execution of the contract, my authority over all decision-making in our lives, including our use of free time.  That is not to say that I will dictate how Ross spends all his time, but if I choose to, he agrees that I MAY dictate how he uses any of his time.

5.     In addition to generally agreeing to my authority over his time, Ross acknowledges that his role in our intimate relationship is SOLELY for the purpose of providing me with pleasure and that all our intimate interaction will be for my pleasure.  He will acknowledge and accept that any sexual satisfaction he experiences will be coincidental.

6.     Ross agrees to enter into psychotherapy, commencing by March 11, to determine if he is diagnosably transgender and to explore his desire to transition.

7.     Ross agrees to receive a Prince Albert piercing, and will travel with me directly from the commitment ceremony to a piercing appointment, to receive the piercing.

8.     Ross will be required to develop a written pledge of his subservience to me.  The first draft of this written pledge will be provided to me by February 26.

At the conclusion of Ross’ initials being applied to each contract provision, the “attorney” had us each sign both copied of the initialed contract.  The “attorney’s” aid the applied an official compression stamp/seal to both contracts, and signed the seal.  The attorney gave us one signed copy and placed the other contract copy in a folder that she said would be placed in a safe in her office.  She told us that ordinarily the contract would be recorded to make it legally binding, but because contracts of this sort were commonly extended and modified after the trial period, keeping a copy would streamline that process in May.  She warned Ross that if he did not abide by any of the requirements of the contract, I could notify her office and she would file the contract making it enforceable.

Thursday, February 17, 2016

This is a follow-up to our commitment ceremony, that occurred on Sunday, Valentine’s Day.  Ross and I went directly from the ceremony to a tattoo/piercing shop I had previously investigated.  Although extremely anxious (both of us), Ross withstood the piercing quite well.  It looked like it would hurt horribly to me, but Ross’ reaction indicated it was not that bad.  I have learned to recognize when Ross is in “sub space,” and since Sunday, almost any interaction I initiate between us reminding him of his subservient status, pushes him in the direction of “sub space.”  When I started exploring this lifestyle some months ago, it was a partly exciting and partly unnerving fantasy.  I cannot believe how much my feelings have changed.  I don’t think there is any way I can backtrack from this new way of relating to one another, and it seems Ross agrees.   

Valentine's Day: Testing Ross's Commitment to a FLR

Monday, February 8, 2016

It has been more than a week since I last posted, and things have continued to move fast toward formalizing my female-led relationship with my husband Ross.  I see there are a lot of people reading this blog but only one person has commented, so I don’t know if people seeing this post know what is really happening in my life.  Since last summer, and especially since September, my husband, Ross, and I have been considering moving into a female led relationship.  Ross is most enthusiastic about it, and has challenged me to take “real control” of our lives.  We have incorporated some dimensions of FLR in our lives related to sexual control, orgasm control and general decision making in a voluntary way.  The more we implement an FLR, the more encouragement Ross has given me to “take it to the next level,” emphasizing that he will be more “emotionally fulfilled,” if we move deeply into an FLR.

Ross has also provided an evolving revelation about his desire to transition to female.  I have had a sense of this for most of the 15 years of our marriage, and in the role play in which we have engaged in the past Ross has, with my help, been able to present very convincingly as a woman. 

A confounding factor in this unfolding life experience is the love affair I am now involved in with my hair stylist, Angela.  It was a remarkable coincidence that once when I arrived for a hair appointment, Angela was providing services to a man, dressed attractively in women’s clothes.  That prompted a conversation weeks later that revealed Angela knew a woman she described as a professional dominatrix who was her male client’s former mistress.  Consequently, Angela has become a considerable source of information about FLR relationships, and through our communication I think it is fair to say she seduced me, although I don’t regret it all.  I had a lesbian relationship almost 20 years ago, and this new relationship has provided the most exciting and satisfying sex of my life. 

At the same time, I remain deeply in love with my husband, and appreciate that he has been so supportive of me through the years.  While he does not know about Angela (at least the fact that we are involved sexually), I don’t think he would severely object if he believed it did not threaten my relationship with him.

Ross’s dares to “make our FLR real,” have been delivered with a laugh, but also with an edge.  He obviously thinks this is all a game to me, but I have evolved in my attitudes to this type of relationship, and with Angela’s encouragement and help, have come up with a way to formalize our FLR that will require Ross to make a commitment that will reverse our positions and require him to prove he really wants a formal FLR. 

Next Sunday, with Angela’s help, and the help of her pro dominatrix friend (it wasn’t free, but I think it is going to be worth it), I am going to put Ross through a test that I think will reveal if he really wants to live the life of a submissive male, and potentially undergo feminization supervised by me, with Angela’s assistance.  I am conflicted about my relationship with Angela – not the relationship so much as the fact that it is occurring secretly without Ross’ knowledge.  (It just seems likely that this is going to come into the open soon.  It can’t go on like this indefinitely.)  Angela is enthusiastic about helping feminize Ross, if that is what actually unfolds.  This is an erotically toxic situation that I cannot turn away from right now.  I hope it does not end in sadness for anyone, but the intensity of my relationship with Angela and the excitement of my evolving relationship with my husband are very intoxicating in a super-charged way.

I find myself already thinking ahead to Ross’s feminization, specifically the practical aspects of it.  Ross works in a medical care environment and is very good at his job and highly regarded for his abilities.  There are also two people (that I know of – I used to work there) at the medical center where he works who have successfully transitioned.  Employment policies would protect him if he chose to transition, the quality of his work performance makes him valuable to retain, and employees in his work position wear nearly “genderless” work clothes, so I believe his on-the-job transition would be about as smooth as could occur in any work setting.  We will see what the future holds.

Sex in the afternoon

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Just got home from a mind blowing afternoon!  Angela and I were going to go to a movie, but “Sisters” was our first choice and it is already out of theaters – boo hoo.  We went to lunch and stopped at the Irvine Spectrum to look for a pair of shoes for me and sunglasses for Angela.  It is overcast and has looked like rain most of the day.  I don’t think it ever got to 60 degrees so when she suggested we go back to her place I was thinking “What took you so long?!” 

Angela has a really small house, but it is beautiful.  She has an in-home salon on one side and it is a third of the whole house.  The rest of the house is just a dining/living room separated by an archway, a kitchen, bath and bedroom.  From the open front door one can see all the way through the living/dining room to French doors that lead out to a small porch.  The right side of the house has only a bathroom with a glassed in shower and whirlpool tub, and a large bedroom.  There are skylights in both the bathroom and bedroom, and like the dining room, there are French doors that lead from the bedroom to the back porch. 

When we got to Angela’s house, almost the first thing she did was go into the bathroom and start filling the bath tub.  She joked with me that I had complained about being cold and she said I needed to warm up.  When she came out of the bathroom she was wearing only her bra and panties – she has such a great body! – and started kissing me immediately.  She had been kidding/teasing me all afternoon and I had been feeling a pelvic twinge almost every minute we were together.  When I had seen her bathroom the first time, I had noted it was surrounded by candles.  I found out today they are battery powered – not real candles, but little lights that flicker.  They seem real. 

We sat in that warm tub together, with the “candles” flickering, for almost 45 minutes, snuggling, touching each other in very intimate ways, and enjoying the slipperiness of each other’s body, inside and out.  We moved to her bedroom (which was about 8 feet away) and spent another hour of exquisite gentleness – this is absolutely the most unbelievable lovemaking I have ever experienced.  I intended to have a conversation with Angela about how I should bring Ross more fully into a female led relationship, but it didn’t seem like the time, so I am going to save that for another day later this week.

Got a haircut and made plans for the future

Saturday, January 29, 2016

I haven’t had a haircut since before Christmas and today was the day I scheduled while I was at my last appointment.  If you are reading this blog you know that my hair stylist, Angela, is also my friend, lover (one time, so far), and confidant regarding my husband’s desire to live in a female-led relationship.  I was Angela’s first appointment this morning and she had other appointments after me.  I could not decide if I was happy or disappointed that her day was full after my haircut.  I am conflicted about it, but am almost obsessive in my thoughts about Angela.  I love my husband very much, and we have a great intimate relationship, but my one experience with Angela was the most remarkably gentle lovemaking I have ever experienced. 

Today was the day Ross and I had agreed on to exchange our written ideas about what we each expected from an FLR relationship.  We made the exchange but did not have time to talk about it (much to Ross’ disappointment), but I actually prefer to review and think about his list of expectations before we talk. 

A very nice coincidence is going to make it possible for me to see Angela tomorrow.  Ross is going to a pro basketball game that starts at 6:30p.  I think he is leaving at about 3:30p.  During my haircut, Angela suggested we get together for a movie and go out to dinner afterward.  She undoubtedly is thinking about more than a movie and dinner.  I know I am.  I hope I have an exciting addition to make to this blog tomorrow night!

Real Progress for FLR

Sunday, January 24, 2016

It has only been three days since I last posted.  First, I am “getting the hang” of this posting business, and second, things are moving much faster than I expected in agreeing to give a female-led relationship a trial.  I had all of last week off from work, but Ross worked Tuesday through Friday.  I told him I wanted to meet for lunch Friday and because he was working, I told him to pick the restaurant.  He works close to downtown LA so he picked Olvera Street (the oldest street in LA).  Not a surprise, because he loves Mexican food (I do too) and Olvera is lined with Mexican restaurants. 

As soon as we ordered, I told him I wanted to talk about adopting an FLR lifestyle.  I asked him to confirm that he understood that he was agreeing that I would be the undisputed “boss” of our relationship every minute of everyday for a trial period we agreed on.  I asked him to suggest a trial length and he insisted he wanted our agreement to be permanent.  I reminded him that for now this was a trial and to answer my question, to which he answered “one year.”  That is too long, and I suggested our trial last until May 1.  We need to attend a college graduation in Wisconsin in early May, and I think, if this trial lasts that long, that will be a good time to re-assess. 

I told him I had made a decision that was going to demonstrate if he was really on board with me taking control of our relationship – that I was going to take his car as mine and trade my car in for a new car for him to drive.  His car is a nearly new, very expensive SUV that he loves!  I told him his new car would be a compact hatchback.  He was stunned.  I took his reaction to be one of disbelief that I wanted to take his car, but he corrected me and told me that his reaction was one of amazement that I was really taking control.  He seemed a little overwhelmed at the reality of my decision.  I am convinced now that this was a good first step.  Before we parted at the end of our lunch, I told him my reading indicated most FLR relationships had well-defined expectations on both sides, and told him that I wanted him to write what he thought both our contributions should be to an FLR relationship, and that I would do the same.  I told him we would talk about these expectations next weekend (January 30-31).

On the way home on after lunch, I bought the bracelet that I am going to require him to wear, and Saturday morning we went car shopping.  If people are serious about buying a car, it is as easy as buying a pair of shoes.  I knew what I wanted Ross to drive and by 1:00p we had bought a nicely appointed, new Kia Soul.  The salesperson (a woman, I liked that) talked to both of us initially, but I answered all the questions and gave all the directions.  Soon she directed all of her comments to me, and was only thrown off momentarily when I corrected her assumption that I was buying the car for me, telling her it was going to be Ross’ car to drive.        

Last night we went out to a dinner and a movie (Star Wars – good, but not as good as I expected) and I drove “MY” new car with Ross as the passenger.  Just talking to him about liking my new car and liking being in control got him aroused – I am beginning to recognize what “sub space” is and he was definitely in it! There was an intense sexual vibe all night and I enjoyed it very much.  He told me that when I took his car and bought a different car for him, that really did seem real and not a game.  He reiterated how important it is to him that my dominance be real and not a game.  He admitted that he could not dictate my feelings but hoped I really did come to embrace being in control.  (I am beginning to think I will!) When we got in bed, I teased him with my touch and talking to him.  I told him from now until at least May, he was going to have far fewer orgasms and I was going to have a lot more.  When I asked him if he was ready for that, his exact words were “Oh God yes!”  For more than an hour I directed him on how to pleasure me with his touch and mouth and I had more than one exquisite orgasm.  The thing I really enjoyed was focusing on myself knowing Ross wasn’t going to “cum,” and I didn’t even need to think about his pleasure.  That was very freeing.  This is a goofy analogy, but it was a little like eating as much as I wanted without having to worry about the calories.

Ross still seems to feel I cannot be as demanding as is necessary for him to feel that our FLR is “real.”  He is almost daring me to test his limits being subservient to me.  I am going to spend this week thinking seriously about what rules/expectations we can incorporate that I will be comfortable with and that will confirm to Ross that he is my submissive.  Two sources that have been especially helpful to me in thinking about the framework of an FLR, are the Femdom Think Tank Blog (thank you Mz. Kaylee) and the Five Food Groups of FLR (finances, free time, life direction, household chores, and sex). 

I plan on putting Ross on a long-term orgasm denial program, (I teased him that he would not have another orgasm until at least May) but really hope I can achieve this with the honor system.  That may seem naïve, but we will see.  I have investigated chastity, but the kind of device that I think would be perfect does not seem to exist.  If I were to put Ross in chastity, I would like to use a light weight sleeve that is held on with a piercing.  The closest I have seen to what I think is ideal is a device by Ms. Lori (chastity device 5B for those of you familiar with her products), but it is made of steel, and appears very heavy.  If anyone has advice on this issue, I would appreciate reading your comment.      

Reflecting on our weekend at the beach

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Our past weekend at the beach was wonderfully relaxing.  Even though it was only in the mid 60s, it was mostly clear.  Our room had an ocean view, including from a whirlpool tub.  The king size bed was wonderful too – very comfortable, simultaneously soft and firm, which I like.  The bed was very high, which I found unusual.  We are both short, and we each had to climb up to get on the bed, but apart from that, it (the room and the bed) was perfect.  We liked it so much that even though it was still expensive at half the high season rate, we stayed through Monday.

I had given Ross the assignment of writing a letter that described what he really wanted and could be realistically achieved if I became the leader in our marriage in a female-led relationship (or a fem/dom relationship – I still don’t get the difference).  Neither of us made any mention of the assignment from the time I gave it to him until Sunday evening, when I asked him if he had completed his letter.  I read the letter on Sunday evening, then told him we would order our Monday breakfast from room service and talk about it on Monday morning. 

Based on his letter and our follow-up conversation at Monday breakfast, the following is what I think he thinks he would like our long term relationship to be.  Note what I write are the ways he thinks he wants things to be long term, or permanently.  I remain unconvinced this way of relating to one another can continue long term.  It is hard to imagine he will not get tired of being subservient to me.   

From his letter and our conversation, these are the things that Ross made clear to me:

1.  he says he very much wants to be submissive to me.  I read in many fem/dom web sites about things that women force their men to do.  Ross tells me there are things he would prefer did not happen (being spanked, or humiliated in public, for example) but that he will do anything (he emphasized anything) I require him to do if I choose to accept him as my submissive.  His point is that I will not need to force him to do the things I want him to do.  He will do whatever I ask (he says).

2.  he says he wants his submission and my dominance to be real – not a game.  He says his submission will be real – that being submissive is rooted in his personality – but wonders if I can accept and embrace being the dominant in our relationship.  (I have that question for myself.)

3.  examples of things he says would represent my control of our relationship include controlling all our money – mine and his, demanding that sex be for my pleasure only, me having the final authority to make any decision affecting us or him alone, and requiring him to do even more of the housework (we have a housekeeper and he already does more than his share at home).

4.  he has also become more transparent about what I am going to call gender confusion.  He told me he would like to occasionally become immersed in living life as a woman.  I asked him if he wanted to transition to be a woman and he said he “didn’t think so.”

5.  Based on things I have read on the FLR lifestyle, (and common sense, once I thought about it), I think most successful FLR relationships involve orgasm denial for male submissives.  I asked Ross if he would accept my decisions about how frequently he would be allowed to orgasm, knowing that it would be much less frequently than in the past.  He was actually trembling and hyperventilating when he acknowledged orgasm denial to be an expectation.

Our conversation excited him quite a bit, which excited me.  I told him after my shower I wanted him to put lotion on my body and added that I wanted him to wear my panties while he did it.  After my shower I got on the bed, first on my stomach, then on my back, and he spent more than 15 minutes applying lotion and massaging my body.  After my massage I told him I “needed to cum,” (it was obvious) and gave him a choice.  He could help me “cum” with his  mouth, but if he did, he would not get to have an orgasm, or if he wanted to have an orgasm, go immediately to the bathroom and masturbate, and I would stay on the bed and masturbate, and call out to him when he could return.  His exact words were “please let me stay.”

All of this happened on Monday morning and I am writing this on Thursday.  It has given me quite a bit of time to think.  I have come to feel that the things that Ross is asking for really are core needs for him and that he cannot change them anymore than he can change his skin color.  We have been together for more than 15 years.  I love him very much and he loves me.  Also, the idea of taking control of our relationship is gaining some appeal with me.  I have thought of two ways that I am going to open the door to starting us on this journey.  If Ross agrees to both, we will see where this goes.  If he balks at either, then the door to an FLR future will close.

First, he drives a very expensive, luxurious, and comfortable SUV.  I drive a comfortable but nondescript sedan.  As a prerequisite to starting on this journey to a fully implemented FLR, I am going to require that his car will become mine, and that we will use my car as a trade-in on a small hatchback that I will choose and he will drive.  He loves his big SUV.  If he is willing to give up his luxurious “ride” for a mini-hatchback I choose for him, I think that would convince me he is serious about being my submissive. 

I am also going to buy him a Pandora charm bracelet with a heart clasp, and will add to it four charms:  a charm in the shape of my first initial (to remind him that I am the focus of all his attention), a charm that is a little padlock in the form of a heart, with another smaller heart attached to it (to remind him that I control his sex life – there may be a chastity device in his future – still thinking about that), a money bag charm (to remind him that I will control all our money), and a clock charm (to remind him that I control how he spends his time).  If this FLR is going to progress, we will undoubtedly pass other relationship milestones.  I will add other charms to it as he and we progress.  Once I give it to him he will have to wear it everyday, knowing that if he goes a day without wearing it, that will be his sign that he is not able to continue as my submissive. 

There is one other confounding factor that I wish did not confuse me.  If you have read this entire blog (it is only about two weeks old), you know just 10 days ago I had my first lesbian relationship in nearly 20 years.  I have not talked to Angela since that day, but have thought about her every day.  I did not reveal this liaison to Ross.  I wish I was not making decisions about an FLR relationship at the same time I am having these feelings about Angela.  It has prompted a lot of questions for which I have no answers.  Some of those questions are:  Am I being unfaithful to my husband by having a lesbian relationship?  If I tell Ross about my relationship with Angela, does that make Ross a cuckold?  The sex I had with Angela was the greatest sex of my life.  I loved her softness/sweetness as a lover (and her beautiful breasts!).  If my husband becomes more feminine will that add to the quality of our intimate relationship?  Is it fair to make decisions about my relationship with Ross, in the shadow of my relationship with Angela, especially since Ross does not even know about Angela?  Am I going to make love to Angela again?

My reason for writing this journal is to express/ventilate my feelings about this time in my life.  Comments from others who have gone through similar experiences are welcome.