Prelude – Chapter 1
I am a 41-year-old woman who has been married for more than
15 years. I was a single child raised in
a well-to-do and religiously conservative home by wonderful parents who loved
me very much. Sadly, my father recently
died, but that has allowed me to feel a little freedom from the responsibility
to always make my parents proud of me.
When I was younger, I always tried to do well in school, and avoid
getting in any type of trouble because I thought it would hurt my parents’
feelings.
I was a competitive swimmer starting before my teen years
and continued throughout college. I
never dated much, claiming I did not have the time, but really I was not
interested in any of the boys I met.
Beginning in college I had a semi-secret (my parents never knew) lesbian
relationship with a teammate. That
relationship continued until a year after I graduated, but eventually ended
because I refused to acknowledge that relationship publicly.
I met my husband-to-be in a fitness class two years before
we were married. It is coincidental that
he was also a competitive swimmer. I was
attracted to his slim, hairless body which he showed off in fitness classes by
wearing knee-length tights and pastel racer-back sleeveless t-shirts. His appearance made me think he was gay but
the vibe he gave off in his interaction with women in the class made me think
otherwise. Over time we because exercise
buddies, then friends, confidants and finally intimates.
In the past 3 months (beginning in late September) my life
has taken some unbelievable turns (Literally unbelievable to some. I shared these life events with a
disbelieving long-term friend out of a need to “ventilate” my feelings about
the things I am experiencing. That was a
mistake I will not repeat.) Now in an
attempt to process all that is happening, I am going to write about it, and
perhaps publish it as a blog - if I can figure out that process - and if that
gets done, perhaps others will have observations about my experiences that will
help me continue my pursuit of a peaceful heart in the middle of the all the
turmoil, tension and change I am experiencing.
Prelude – Chapter 2
In September, I read “50 Shades of Grey.” I found parts exciting and described it to my
husband, but off-handedly said it would excite me more to be the dominant in a
female/male relationship, and that I could be submissive only if I were a
lesbian. We have engaged in sexual role-play
in our marriage, so at our discussion initially was not that unusual. But during this particular discussion, my
husband was a little intoxicated, and I think that reduced his inhibitions
enough for him to make the following confession.
He told me he would love it if I would dominate him
completely. That started a fairly long discussion
in which he revealed things that at first I could not really comprehend. He told me he would love it if I would assume
all decision-making control in our marriage including decisions about finances,
how we spent our social time, how he spends his time, and how our intimate life
is lived. Specifically, he said he thought
he would be far happier (he actually said “emotionally fulfilled”) if I adopted
the attitude that all intimacies/sex between us was first and foremost for my
satisfaction, or only for my satisfaction.
I asked if that meant only I should have orgasms, and I was stunned to
hear him say “yes,” that during sex I should focus on my satisfaction only. He suggested I consider how much more enjoyable
sex might be for me if I never felt any pressure to please him. He even added that he believed he would be a
better husband if I denied him orgasms for any length of time I desired –
perhaps forever. This does not make
sense to me, and it hurts me some because I like exciting him, and it left me
feeling he is not satisfied with our marriage.
I asked him many questions but the things he described are so “strict”
(that is the only word I can come up with) that I have a hard time believing he
really means these things (although he insists he does mean them). He is also fascinated with wearing lingerie
and lipstick during our lovemaking and he said he wished we did that more.
This was upsetting to me on several levels. It was shocking to me to learn the extent of
his fantasies and that I had not realized their depth even after being married
all these years. It was upsetting to me because
it left me feeling like I was not a good enough wife for him to be satisfied in
our intimate relationship. There were
some things we talked about that I also found exciting, and I was upset with
myself for being excited, if that makes sense.
And it was most upsetting to me that he tells me I shouldn’t be
upset. Writing about this is actually
bringing back my anger about this situation.
Prelude – Chapter 3
After our initial conversation I avoided talking about it
for several weeks. I think my husband
was disappointed but I was spending that time becoming more familiar with female
led relationships through internet research.
That was eye-opening for me and I was surprised that the more I learned
about it the more exciting it became to me – particularly the feeling of power
that some dominant women possess.
Surprisingly, my most helpful source of information was my hair
stylist. She has a private shop attached
to her home and one time when I arrived for an appointment she was doing a
French pedicure for a man who was dressed (attractively, as a matter of fact)
in women’s clothes. After the man left I
told my stylist I was surprised to see the cross dressed man when I arrived. She very nonchalantly commented that the
man’s wife paid her to dominate him, and that he was not her only cross dressing
client. I did not follow-up at the time,
but after my own husband’s admissions, at my last hair appointment before
Christmas I tried to start a conversation with her about the services cross
dressing clients request. She turned the
conversation around and asked me why I was curious. I should have been ready for that, but
wasn’t, and blushingly blurted out that my husband told me he wanted to be
dominated. She could tell I was upset (I
actually started crying) and her exact words were “Oh Cindy honey, don’t be
sad. If you will let it, this can be
greatest thing that ever happens in your marriage, for both of you.” She said “let’s talk about it after your
appointment,” but at the end of the appointment she suggested we meet for an
early lunch on a day when my afternoon was free to allow us to talk for as long
as I wanted. We picked a day, (Monday,
January 11) and agreed to meet at 11:00a, and she told me she would contact me
with the place. She later texted,
telling me she would like to host our lunch at her home and our appointment was
set.
Prelude – Chapter 4
I am writing this on the evening of January 11, 2016. This chapter will describe the lunch I had
with my hair stylist. Everything I have
written thus far happened before I wrote anything in this blog. My “lunch” experience today is what prompted
me to start this blog, and as of this writing I do not know what the future
holds, but it seems likely there are significant life changes in my future and
I want to journal about these events for my own sake, and perhaps generate
responses from others. The comments I
saw in other blogs were sometimes unkind and crude. I recognize I have no control over how others
respond, but what I am most looking for are observations that will help me
reflect on the choices I am making.
In the interest of giving an identity to my husband and my
hair stylist, I have assigned the names Ross and Angela to them. Out of respect for their privacy and to
protect my own, these are not their real names.
Everything else I write is as accurate as my memory will permit me to
record it.
Lunch Date is Turning Point
I arrived for our lunch date at Angela’s house at the
assigned hour of 11:00 a.m. Her house is
small and older, but well kept. There is
a separate entrance to the salon which is in an addition to the left side of
the house, and set back slightly from the front of the house. The salon is reached by a slightly winding
sidewalk bordered by shrubbery. The
front door is under a small covered porch with a pillar on each side. Upon opening the front door, you are
immediately in a small living room, filled completely by a couch, side chair,
and flat screen television on a low entertainment center. From the living room you can see through an
archway into a small dining room with an old, round, expensive-appearing wooden
table surrounded by four antique, cane-seat chairs, with a crystal chandelier
overhead. In the dining room’s right
wall there is a wood burning fireplace, and the far wall of the dining room has
French doors which lead to another covered back porch and down to a small and
beautifully kept back yard and garden.
When Angela met me at the door I first noticed the house interior
because it reminded me of an expensive doll house. The rooms were filled with art, lamps, and
furniture, but because of its size it did not take much to fill it. It all appeared expensive. When Angela pulled opened the door she
stepped back and slightly behind it, so I did not at first get a good look at
her. After she closed the door and I
turned to greet her, my first words were “oh my!” I had not been in the house 10 seconds and I
had already embarrassed myself, but my reaction was an involuntary one in
response to Angela’s stunning appearance.
She is naturally beautiful and given that she also owns a salon she
knows how to accent her beauty. She was
wearing wedge sandals and jeans. She had
a French pedi and mani, and her makeup was beautiful, although leaning more for
the glam look than I would have expected at 11:00 in the morning. It was her top (and what was under it) that
really prompted my surprised reaction.
Angela was wearing a cream colored sheer tunic shirt with large square
pockets. Although the pockets covered
most of each breast, it was clear Angela was not wearing a bra. Her nipples clearly protruded under each
pocket and when she leaned forward to press her cheek to mine in greeting, I
could feel her full breasts and nipples press against me. I remember thinking that it felt like she was
naked against me.
Angela offered me a glass of wine, and gave me a tour of her
house. Everything about it reinforced
the “doll house” impression. It had only
one bedroom, with a skylight and ceiling fan, and the bathroom was as large as
the bedroom, with a glassed-in shower, and large tub surrounded by candles. After the short house tour, we moved to the
back porch and sat for about 20 minutes in the cool sun talking about our lives
without any reference to the reason for my visit. That general conversation continued through
lunch (a cup of soup and spinach empanadas), after which Angela offered another
glass of wine. With every move, Angela’s
large breasts moved under her sheer top.
I could not help looking at her as the flowing material moved with her
body, but she acted as if she was oblivious to my glances. I would have not been comfortable being
next-to-naked in that situation, but she seemed completely comfortable. As we talked I found myself picturing her
without clothes.
We ate lunch on opposite sides of the table, but afterward
she added some wine to our glasses and moved her chair nearer to my side. She positioned her chair almost side-by-side
with mine and said: “Tell me about this submissive husband of yours.” I told her Ross had been emphatic in
expressing his desire that I take control of our marriage, including our
finances, how we spend our time together, how he spends his time on his own,
and our intimate life. I told her Ross made
clear to me that he wanted me to control our sex life, including limiting his
orgasms, and he wanted me to redefine our marriage roles so that his role was
to serve me, including sexually, without regard for his satisfaction. I told Angela it felt like he was telling me
to be a different person.
Angela spent some time telling me about her cross dressing
client who I had seen a couple of years ago.
She called him by a female name (Ellen) and told me he had first gone to
a professional dominatrix Angela knew (that was shocking by itself – who knows
dominatrices?). Part of his fantasy was
being feminized and the dominatrix arranged for him to become Angela’s
client. The services she provided Ellen
were the same as services she provided to any client. Over time, Ellen’s wife learned he was seeing
a dominatrix and unsuccessfully attempted to confront the dom. She also visited with Angela and although
directing her anger at Angela, Angela explained that her husband had only
received feminizing services and no sexual services from Angela. Angela said the man’s wife now dominated her
husband directly including selecting the feminizing services Angela would
provide her husband. It was Angela’s
impression that the wife’s approach was much more severe, and beyond fantasy,
including overseeing her husband’s start on hormone replacement therapy. Angela added that since I had seen Ellen more
than two years ago, his appearance had changed so much that it really wasn’t
feasible for him to live as a man anymore.
Angela’s words that really rung in my ears were “In addition to
everything else, Ellen (the man) has really big boobs.”
Angela then talked about Ross. She told me that although all Ross’s feelings
about being dominated were new to me, they weren’t new. She encouraged me to consider it a positive
thing that he had told me. She reminded
me that her client Ellen had tried to keep domination desires from his wife and
Angela thought it had damaged their marriage, even though Angela thought Ellen
loved his wife. She encouraged me to
talk more with Ross to clarify what he really meant by being dominated, to try
to peel back and discover all his fantasies.
Angela also encouraged me to be as assertive as possible, and perhaps
even aggressive in directing Ross to reveal his thoughts. Angela also encouraged me to think about the
things I might like about a husband that was totally devoted to my pleasure and
satisfaction, including my sexual satisfaction, above his own. Angela also mentioned one potential benefit I
had considered but had not verbalized – that in a marriage where a woman was
truly free to seek full sexual satisfaction, she might have sex outside of her
marriage, even through her husband would be strictly prohibited from such
freedom.
This was the point in our afternoon when it occurred to me
our time together had been orchestrated to lead up to this moment. Angela told me she would love to have a
partner who wanted to submit to her and was devoted to pleasing her sexually. Through much of our conversation, Angela’s hands
had been on my hands or forearms, lightly stroking my skin. Writing about it now seems awkward, but in
the moment it wasn’t. She said she
fantasized about directing her lover to lightly touch or suck her nipples, and
as she said this she moved her hands to her own breasts and gently squeezed
each of her nipples through her sheer top.
She was clearly exciting herself and it was exciting me. She asked “wouldn’t that feel good,” even as
she reached over and started playing with my left nipple with her right hand
(wouldn’t you know it would be the most sensitive one!). I closed my eyes and let her rub me. She brought her other hand to my other breast
and tweeked my nipple. It never seemed
so sensitive as in that moment. Then she
kissed me and I kissed her back. She
unbuttoned her top and brought my hands to her bare breasts, then stood,
straddling me where I was seated and lifting her nipple to my mouth. We moved to her bedroom where I experienced
the most powerfully intense lovemaking of my life. I lost count of my orgasms. I have never been with someone who had
orgasms as powerful as Angela’s or with a partner who so specifically guided me
in pleasing her.
I am writing all this shortly after my “lunch” date, which
lasted almost 5 hours. While I do not
know the direction my life will now take, I have a strong feeling it will be a
different path than I imagined this morning, and a path I could not even
imagine three months ago. When I left
Angela’s it was with her encouragement to talk to Ross, and get a clearer
understanding of shat he thinks he wants.
I doubt it is true, but Angela said she and I can have whatever
relationship we want and it does not have to affect my relationship with
Ross. What I do know is if I could go be
with Angela right now, I would do it.
