Reflecting on our weekend at the beach

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Our past weekend at the beach was wonderfully relaxing.  Even though it was only in the mid 60s, it was mostly clear.  Our room had an ocean view, including from a whirlpool tub.  The king size bed was wonderful too – very comfortable, simultaneously soft and firm, which I like.  The bed was very high, which I found unusual.  We are both short, and we each had to climb up to get on the bed, but apart from that, it (the room and the bed) was perfect.  We liked it so much that even though it was still expensive at half the high season rate, we stayed through Monday.

I had given Ross the assignment of writing a letter that described what he really wanted and could be realistically achieved if I became the leader in our marriage in a female-led relationship (or a fem/dom relationship – I still don’t get the difference).  Neither of us made any mention of the assignment from the time I gave it to him until Sunday evening, when I asked him if he had completed his letter.  I read the letter on Sunday evening, then told him we would order our Monday breakfast from room service and talk about it on Monday morning. 

Based on his letter and our follow-up conversation at Monday breakfast, the following is what I think he thinks he would like our long term relationship to be.  Note what I write are the ways he thinks he wants things to be long term, or permanently.  I remain unconvinced this way of relating to one another can continue long term.  It is hard to imagine he will not get tired of being subservient to me.   

From his letter and our conversation, these are the things that Ross made clear to me:

1.  he says he very much wants to be submissive to me.  I read in many fem/dom web sites about things that women force their men to do.  Ross tells me there are things he would prefer did not happen (being spanked, or humiliated in public, for example) but that he will do anything (he emphasized anything) I require him to do if I choose to accept him as my submissive.  His point is that I will not need to force him to do the things I want him to do.  He will do whatever I ask (he says).

2.  he says he wants his submission and my dominance to be real – not a game.  He says his submission will be real – that being submissive is rooted in his personality – but wonders if I can accept and embrace being the dominant in our relationship.  (I have that question for myself.)

3.  examples of things he says would represent my control of our relationship include controlling all our money – mine and his, demanding that sex be for my pleasure only, me having the final authority to make any decision affecting us or him alone, and requiring him to do even more of the housework (we have a housekeeper and he already does more than his share at home).

4.  he has also become more transparent about what I am going to call gender confusion.  He told me he would like to occasionally become immersed in living life as a woman.  I asked him if he wanted to transition to be a woman and he said he “didn’t think so.”

5.  Based on things I have read on the FLR lifestyle, (and common sense, once I thought about it), I think most successful FLR relationships involve orgasm denial for male submissives.  I asked Ross if he would accept my decisions about how frequently he would be allowed to orgasm, knowing that it would be much less frequently than in the past.  He was actually trembling and hyperventilating when he acknowledged orgasm denial to be an expectation.

Our conversation excited him quite a bit, which excited me.  I told him after my shower I wanted him to put lotion on my body and added that I wanted him to wear my panties while he did it.  After my shower I got on the bed, first on my stomach, then on my back, and he spent more than 15 minutes applying lotion and massaging my body.  After my massage I told him I “needed to cum,” (it was obvious) and gave him a choice.  He could help me “cum” with his  mouth, but if he did, he would not get to have an orgasm, or if he wanted to have an orgasm, go immediately to the bathroom and masturbate, and I would stay on the bed and masturbate, and call out to him when he could return.  His exact words were “please let me stay.”

All of this happened on Monday morning and I am writing this on Thursday.  It has given me quite a bit of time to think.  I have come to feel that the things that Ross is asking for really are core needs for him and that he cannot change them anymore than he can change his skin color.  We have been together for more than 15 years.  I love him very much and he loves me.  Also, the idea of taking control of our relationship is gaining some appeal with me.  I have thought of two ways that I am going to open the door to starting us on this journey.  If Ross agrees to both, we will see where this goes.  If he balks at either, then the door to an FLR future will close.

First, he drives a very expensive, luxurious, and comfortable SUV.  I drive a comfortable but nondescript sedan.  As a prerequisite to starting on this journey to a fully implemented FLR, I am going to require that his car will become mine, and that we will use my car as a trade-in on a small hatchback that I will choose and he will drive.  He loves his big SUV.  If he is willing to give up his luxurious “ride” for a mini-hatchback I choose for him, I think that would convince me he is serious about being my submissive. 

I am also going to buy him a Pandora charm bracelet with a heart clasp, and will add to it four charms:  a charm in the shape of my first initial (to remind him that I am the focus of all his attention), a charm that is a little padlock in the form of a heart, with another smaller heart attached to it (to remind him that I control his sex life – there may be a chastity device in his future – still thinking about that), a money bag charm (to remind him that I will control all our money), and a clock charm (to remind him that I control how he spends his time).  If this FLR is going to progress, we will undoubtedly pass other relationship milestones.  I will add other charms to it as he and we progress.  Once I give it to him he will have to wear it everyday, knowing that if he goes a day without wearing it, that will be his sign that he is not able to continue as my submissive. 

There is one other confounding factor that I wish did not confuse me.  If you have read this entire blog (it is only about two weeks old), you know just 10 days ago I had my first lesbian relationship in nearly 20 years.  I have not talked to Angela since that day, but have thought about her every day.  I did not reveal this liaison to Ross.  I wish I was not making decisions about an FLR relationship at the same time I am having these feelings about Angela.  It has prompted a lot of questions for which I have no answers.  Some of those questions are:  Am I being unfaithful to my husband by having a lesbian relationship?  If I tell Ross about my relationship with Angela, does that make Ross a cuckold?  The sex I had with Angela was the greatest sex of my life.  I loved her softness/sweetness as a lover (and her beautiful breasts!).  If my husband becomes more feminine will that add to the quality of our intimate relationship?  Is it fair to make decisions about my relationship with Ross, in the shadow of my relationship with Angela, especially since Ross does not even know about Angela?  Am I going to make love to Angela again?

My reason for writing this journal is to express/ventilate my feelings about this time in my life.  Comments from others who have gone through similar experiences are welcome.